Family Reunification Coaching

1. Take one slow breath before you answer.
2. Keep your face and voice soft. Your child is watching for your reaction more than your words.
3. Remember: your child is the messenger, not the problem.

“Thanks for telling me. How did you feel when you heard that?”

“That sounds confusing. You can always ask me questions.”

“Grown-ups sometimes see things differently. That’s for us to work out, not you.”

“I love you, and it’s okay for you to love both of us.”

“I see it a bit differently, but you don’t have to pick a side.”

• Arguing the facts with your child (“That’s a lie, what really happened was…”).
• Asking them to pass a message back.
• Asking what else the other parent said.
• Showing anger at your child for repeating it.

If something needs to be addressed, take it up adult-to-adult, through a co-parenting app, mediator or lawyer.

• Thank them for telling you and let them know they did the right thing.
• Don’t promise to keep it secret.
• Contact your local children’s aid society or police. In an emergency, call 9-1-1.

• Use text, email or a co-parenting app for logistics.
• Keep messages brief, factual and friendly.
• If you can’t talk respectfully yet, use a mediator or a written plan.

“I missed you! Want a snack?”

“What was the best part of your weekend?”

Then let them share at their own pace.

• Keep adult conflict out of earshot, including phone calls.
• Find one neutral or kind thing to say about the other parent when it fits.
• Ask family and friends to do the same around your child.

• Keep goodbyes warm and short.
• Save disagreements for another time and place.
• Pack familiar items that can travel between homes.

• Brief: a few sentences. Respond to one point, not every accusation.
• Informative: stick to facts like dates, times and logistics.
• Friendly: a calm opening or closing, like “Thanks for letting me know.”
• Firm: close the topic with a clear answer or two simple choices.

“Thanks for the update. I’ll pick Maya up from school at 5:30 on Friday. If that doesn’t work, let me know by Thursday.”

Before you hit send, ask: would I be comfortable if a mediator, a judge or my child read this?

• They may feel they have to pick a side, or hide their love for the other parent.
• It can bring on guilt, worry and confusion about who to trust.
• They may stop telling you things so they don’t upset you.
• Over time, it often strains the child’s relationship with the parent doing the badmouthing, too.

This includes sighs, eye-rolls and what they overhear on phone calls. If you need to vent, talk with a trusted adult or your therapist, out of your child’s earshot.

“Earlier I said something unkind about your dad. That wasn’t fair to you. You’re allowed to love him, and I’m glad you do.”

Keep it short, don’t ask your child to comfort you, and then let it go.

• Send short, warm messages that don’t need a reply.
• Remember birthdays and important days.
• Avoid guilt (“Why don’t you ever call me?”).

“It makes sense that you’re upset.”

“I want to understand how this has been for you.”

“I didn’t handle that well earlier. I’m sorry. Can we try again?”

Keep it short and don’t ask your child to reassure you.

• Lean on friends, family or a support group.
• Talk to a therapist about the grief and stress.
• Try a grounding exercise from our Mindfulness Resources.