7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them)

When communication becomes difficult, even small conversations can feel exhausting. A question about dinner may turn into an argument about responsibility. A request for support may sound like criticism. One partner may push for answers while the other shuts down.

These patterns do not necessarily mean that your relationship is beyond repair. Often, couples become caught in a cycle that is difficult to see from the inside. With support, it can become possible to understand the cycle, slow it down, and practise different ways of responding.

Couples therapy often focuses on constructive communication, problem-solving, and emotional responsiveness, because these are central to a healthy relationship. However, communication tools work best when they are practised with care and adapted to the needs of both partners.

Here are seven common communication mistakes couples make, along with practical ways to begin changing them.

1. Criticizing your partner’s character

Criticism focuses on who your partner is rather than on a specific concern.

Examples include:

• “You’re so selfish.”
• “You never care about anyone but yourself.”
• “You’re impossible to talk to.”

When conversations begin with character judgments, the other person may feel attacked. They may become defensive instead of staying open to the concern underneath your words.

Try this instead

Use a gentle opening that describes the situation, your feelings, and what you need.

Instead of:

“You never listen to me.”

Try:

“I feel ignored when I’m talking and the television stays on. Could we turn it off for a few minutes so I can share what’s on my mind?”

This approach does not guarantee that your partner will respond perfectly. It simply gives the conversation a better starting point. Focus on one behaviour or situation rather than bringing in every past disappointment.

2. Using sarcasm, contempt, or disrespect

Sarcasm and eye-rolling can sometimes seem like small reactions. Over time, though, they can create emotional distance and make difficult conversations feel unsafe.

Contempt may appear as:

• Mocking your partner’s concerns
• Name-calling
• Speaking with superiority
• Laughing at a vulnerable moment
• Using phrases such as “Obviously” or “Whatever”

These responses often communicate, “Your feelings are not worth taking seriously.” That message can be painful, even when it is delivered indirectly.

Try this instead

Build small moments of respect and appreciation into everyday life.

You might say:

• “Thank you for handling bedtime tonight.”
• “I noticed you checked in with me after work. That meant a lot.”
• “I know this conversation is hard, and I appreciate you staying with it.”

Appreciation is not about pretending that problems do not exist. It helps create a more balanced emotional environment where concerns can be discussed without every interaction feeling negative.

3. Becoming defensive

Defensiveness often appears when one partner raises a concern and the other immediately explains, denies, or counterattacks.

For example:

“I only forgot because you gave me too much to do.”

Or:

“You do the same thing, so you can’t complain.”

It is understandable to want to protect yourself when you feel blamed. However, defensiveness can quickly turn a conversation into a competition over who is more justified.

Try this instead

Look for the part of your partner’s experience that you can acknowledge.

You might say:

“You’re right that I’ve been on my phone a lot this week. I can understand why that made you feel ignored.”

Acknowledging an impact does not mean agreeing with every detail. You can recognize how your actions affected your partner while still sharing your own perspective.

A useful sequence is:

1. Listen to the concern.
2. Reflect back what you heard.
3. Acknowledge any part that makes sense.
4. Explain your perspective without dismissing theirs.

This creates room for both partners to be heard.

4. Shutting down or withdrawing

Some people respond to conflict by becoming quiet, leaving the room, changing the subject, or emotionally checking out. This may be a way to manage feeling overwhelmed.

However, when one partner pursues a conversation and the other withdraws, both people can feel increasingly alone. One may feel abandoned. The other may feel pressured and unable to breathe.

This pattern is sometimes called a demand-withdraw cycle. Several of these patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal) come from Dr. John Gottman’s research on couples, where they are known as the “Four Horsemen”.

Try this instead

Take a structured pause rather than disappearing from the conversation.

You could say:

“I’m becoming overwhelmed, and I don’t want to say something hurtful. Can we pause for 30 minutes and return to this at 7:30?”

A helpful pause includes:

• A clear reason for taking a break
• An agreed time to return
• An effort to calm your body rather than rehearse arguments
• A commitment to continue the conversation

If you ask for a pause, returning when you said you would matters. It helps your partner experience the break as a form of care rather than rejection.

5. Avoiding difficult conversations altogether

Not every disagreement needs to become a long discussion. Still, avoiding every uncomfortable topic can allow resentment to grow quietly.

Avoidance may look like:

• Changing the subject whenever money is mentioned
• Saying “It’s fine” when it isn’t
• Keeping conversations limited to schedules and chores
• Hoping your partner will notice what you need without being told

Silence can feel peaceful in the short term. Over time, unspoken concerns may make emotional connection more difficult.

Try this instead

Set aside a regular, short check-in when neither partner is already upset.

You might each share:

• One thing you appreciated during the week
• One concern that needs attention
• One practical agreement to try

Keep the conversation focused. The goal is not to solve your entire relationship in one evening. It is to make honest communication more routine and manageable.

6. Turning communication tools into weapons

Communication strategies such as “I” statements, active listening, and reflection can be helpful. They can also become unhelpful when used to prove that your partner is communicating incorrectly.

Examples include:

• Interrupting to correct your partner’s wording
• Saying, “That isn’t a real I-statement”
• Repeating your partner’s words in a sarcastic tone
• Treating the conversation like a courtroom
• Focusing more on the rules than on the person speaking

These tools are meant to support understanding, not to help one person win.

Try this instead

Practise communication skills when you are both relatively calm. Start with a low-stakes topic, such as planning the weekend.

The listener’s role is to:

• Listen without preparing a rebuttal
• Reflect the main point
• Name the emotion they heard
• Ask whether they understood correctly

Problem-solving can come after both partners feel heard. Understanding does not require agreement, but it does require genuine attention.

7. Assuming communication tips will solve every deeper issue

Sometimes couples try several communication exercises and still find themselves repeating the same painful cycle. This does not necessarily mean that either partner has failed.

Communication patterns can be connected to deeper concerns, including:

• Unresolved hurt or betrayal
• Attachment needs
• Stress, anxiety, or depression
• Family-of-origin experiences
• Different expectations about closeness and independence
• Trauma or past relationship experiences

In these situations, learning a few phrases may not be enough. The couple may need support to understand what happens emotionally beneath the argument.

Couples counselling can help partners identify their recurring cycle, explore the needs underneath it, and practise new ways of responding with guidance. A therapist can also help make communication exercises more suitable for your particular circumstances.

When should you consider marriage counselling online?

You do not need to wait until your relationship reaches a crisis before seeking support. Online marriage counselling may be worth considering if:

• The same arguments happen repeatedly
• You struggle to discuss important topics without escalating
• One or both partners feel unheard
• You are living more like roommates than partners
• Trust has been affected by a difficult event
• You want support during separation, reunification, or a major life transition
• You have tried to improve communication but keep returning to the same cycle

At Wellness in Therapy, we provide online couples counselling through secure video or phone sessions. Appointments are 50 minutes long, and couples can begin with a free 15-minute phone consultation to ask questions and see whether our approach feels suitable.

Our therapists are registered with the relevant Ontario regulatory colleges, including the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario, the College of Nurses of Ontario, or the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers. Sessions may be covered by many extended health plans, depending on your specific coverage. You can learn more about our professional standards and therapeutic approach.

A supportive next step

Better communication is not about finding perfect words or avoiding every disagreement. It is about creating more opportunities to be honest, respectful, and emotionally present with one another.

You do not have to arrive at counselling with everything figured out. You can begin with uncertainty, frustration, or simply the feeling that you want something to change. We can meet you where you are and walk beside you as you work toward greater understanding and connection.

You can also read about our couples counselling service in Burlington and online, including for couples in Oakville, Mississauga, Hamilton and Milton.

If you would like to learn more, you can book a session or request a free 15-minute consultation. If there is fear, coercion, threats, or physical intimidation in the relationship, prioritize immediate safety and speak with a qualified professional about whether joint counselling is appropriate.