Category: Relationships & Couples

  • Couples Counselling: What It Is, What Happens, and How to Know If It Is Right for You

    Couples Counselling: What It Is, What Happens, and How to Know If It Is Right for You

    Couple meeting with a counsellor during a couples counselling session

    When a relationship has become strained, it can be difficult to know what to do next. You may be having the same argument repeatedly, feeling more like roommates than partners, or trying to find your way forward after betrayal, grief, or a major life change.

    Some couples wait because counselling feels like an admission that the relationship is failing. Others wait because one partner is uncertain, reluctant, or worried about being blamed.

    Couples counselling is not a judgement about your relationship. It is a structured space to understand what is happening between you, identify what each partner needs, and consider the next steps with more clarity. Some therapists at Wellness in Therapy also have personal experience working in correctional facilities, which can add helpful perspective when shift work, institutional stress, or correctional employment is part of a couple’s story.

    What is couples counselling?

    Couples counselling, also called relationship counselling or marriage counselling, is a form of psychotherapy focused on the relationship between two partners.

    The relationship itself becomes the client. Rather than working with only one person’s symptoms or concerns, the therapist helps both partners look at the patterns, experiences, and needs shaping the relationship.

    Couples counselling is:

    • A guided space for both partners to speak and be heard.
    • An opportunity to understand recurring patterns.
    • A place to work on trust, connection, communication, and shared decisions.
    • A collaborative process where goals are agreed together.
    • Support for couples who want to repair the relationship, understand it more clearly, or decide how to move forward.

    It is not:

    • Mediation.
    • Arbitration.
    • A referee deciding who is right.
    • A process designed to assign blame.
    • Only a last resort before separation.
    • A substitute for legal advice about separation or divorce.

    A couples therapist does not make the decision about whether you should stay together. The role is to help you have more honest, respectful, and informed conversations about your relationship and your future.

    How couples counselling differs from individual therapy

    Individual therapy focuses primarily on one person’s experiences, goals, and wellbeing. Couples counselling focuses on the relationship and the interaction between partners.

    This does not mean that individual concerns are ignored. Anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, substance use, burnout, and other personal experiences can affect a relationship in important ways. A couples therapist may help you understand how these concerns are influencing the relationship while also recommending individual support when appropriate.

    In couples counselling, the therapist pays attention to questions such as:

    • What happens between you when conflict begins?
    • How does each partner respond when feeling hurt or misunderstood?
    • Which concerns keep returning without resolution?
    • What helps each of you feel safe, respected, and connected?
    • What shared changes would support the relationship?

    The goal is not to treat one partner as the problem. It is to understand the cycle that both partners are caught in and consider how that cycle can change.

    What brings couples to counselling?

    Couples seek support for many different reasons. You do not need to be in constant conflict for counselling to be useful.

    Common concerns include:

    • Communication breakdown and frequent misunderstandings.
    • Recurring arguments about the same topics.
    • Emotional distance or feeling like roommates.
    • Changes in intimacy, affection, or connection.
    • Rebuilding trust after an affair, betrayal, or secrecy.
    • Parenting disagreements.
    • Blended family strain and differing roles or expectations.
    • Conflict about money, household tasks, or division of labour.
    • Grief and loss.
    • Anxiety, depression, trauma, or substance use affecting the relationship.
    • A new baby, move, job loss, retirement, illness, or other major transition.
    • Cultural, religious, or faith differences.
    • Stress connected to shift work, first responder roles, or correctional employment.
    • Questions about whether to remain together or separate.

    Some couples arrive with a specific concern. Others know only that the relationship no longer feels the way it once did. Both are valid reasons to ask for support.

    A couple sitting together on a sofa at home

    What happens in a first session?

    The first session usually includes an initial assessment. This helps the therapist understand your relationship history, current concerns, individual circumstances, and hopes for counselling.

    Both partners receive space to speak. You may discuss:

    • What led you to seek counselling now.
    • How long the current concerns have been present.
    • Previous attempts to resolve the problem.
    • Important relationship and family history.
    • Mental health, trauma, grief, or substance use concerns.
    • Current stressors and sources of support.
    • What you would like to be different.

    The therapist also explains how sessions work, including confidentiality and its limits, communication expectations, and the practical structure of counselling.

    In some situations, a therapist may recommend brief individual conversations with each partner as part of the assessment. This can help clarify sensitive concerns and support a safe, appropriate treatment plan.

    How the first few sessions usually work

    After the initial assessment, you and the therapist agree on goals together. These goals may include reducing escalation, rebuilding trust, improving emotional connection, making parenting decisions, or understanding whether the relationship can continue in its current form.

    The therapist may help you:

    • Identify the cycle that keeps repeating.
    • Notice patterns of pursuing, withdrawing, criticizing, or becoming defensive.
    • Slow conversations down before they escalate.
    • Express needs more clearly.
    • Listen without immediately preparing a response.
    • Discuss difficult subjects with greater structure.
    • Practise repair after hurt or conflict.
    • Build agreements that fit your actual circumstances.

    The work is not limited to learning communication techniques. It may also involve grief, attachment, identity, trauma, family history, cultural expectations, or the impact of individual mental health concerns.

    Does the therapist take sides?

    A couples therapist does not take sides. This does not mean that every action has the same impact or that difficult experiences are minimized.

    In practice, fairness means giving both partners room to speak while helping each person take responsibility for their own choices and responses. If one partner feels unheard, the therapist may slow the conversation down, reflect what has been said, and make sure the concern is addressed rather than allowing the discussion to move past it.

    The therapist is not trying to create a perfect balance in every moment. The aim is to support honesty, accountability, safety, and a clearer understanding of what each partner is experiencing.

    What if one partner is reluctant?

    Both partners do not always need to be equally ready to begin. One person may be hopeful while the other is cautious, unsure, or concerned that counselling will become a place where they are criticized.

    A low-pressure conversation can help. You might say:

    • “I know things have been difficult, and I would like us to understand what is happening.”
    • “I am not asking you to promise anything. I would like us to speak with someone together.”
    • “Could we try an initial consultation and decide what we think afterwards?”
    • “I want support for the relationship, not a person to take my side.”

    If your partner is not ready to attend, individual counselling can still help you understand your own responses and consider how to approach the relationship. It does not force your partner into counselling, but it can give you a supported place to reflect.

    A couple talking together on a sofa at home

    When couples counselling may not be the right fit

    Couples counselling may need to be arranged differently when there is fear, coercion, intimidation, or ongoing violence in the relationship.

    In these circumstances, speaking openly together may not feel safe. Individual support and safety planning may need to come first. A therapist may recommend separate sessions, individual counselling, specialized services, or another arrangement that better protects each person’s wellbeing.

    This is not about blaming either partner. It is about recognizing that relationship work must be appropriate to the circumstances. If you are unsure whether couples counselling is suitable, you can discuss your concerns during an initial consultation.

    How often do couples attend?

    Wellness in Therapy provides online counselling throughout Ontario by secure video or phone. Sessions are 50 minutes long.

    Many couples begin with weekly or biweekly sessions. The right frequency depends on the concerns, availability, level of conflict, and goals you agree on with your therapist.

    Couples counselling is usually measured in months rather than weeks. Some couples benefit from focused short-term work. Others need more time, particularly when there has been a long period of disconnection, a significant betrayal, trauma, or several overlapping stressors.

    Progress may include fewer escalations, more honest conversations, improved repair after conflict, clearer boundaries, or a better understanding of what each partner wants. Setbacks are normal. Consistency, honesty, practising between sessions, and both partners taking responsibility tend to support the process.

    An older couple sitting together on a park bench

    Counselling is not always about staying together

    Couples counselling can support repair and reconnection. It can also help partners decide, with clarity and dignity, whether separation is the right direction.

    This does not mean separation is assumed or encouraged. It means counselling can provide a respectful structure for an honest decision when the future of the relationship is uncertain.

    If a couple decides to separate, counselling may also help them communicate more respectfully, make practical parenting plans, and reduce unnecessary conflict as they adjust to a different relationship. Legal questions about separation, parenting arrangements, or divorce should be discussed with a qualified legal professional.

    An older couple talking together at home over tea

    How to bring up counselling with your partner

    Choose a calm time rather than raising the subject in the middle of an argument. Speak from your own experience instead of presenting a list of your partner’s faults.

    You might begin with:

    • “I have been worried about how disconnected we feel.”
    • “I would like help understanding our pattern.”
    • “I want us to have a fair chance to talk with support.”
    • “We do not need to decide everything today. We could start with a consultation.”

    Try to avoid presenting counselling as a threat, punishment, or final warning. A gentle invitation is more likely to lower defensiveness and make room for curiosity.

    When should you seek help?

    Earlier support can be useful when the same conflict keeps returning, emotional distance is growing, trust has been damaged, or you are avoiding important conversations because they escalate quickly.

    You do not need to wait until the relationship feels beyond repair. You also do not need to arrive with a complete explanation or a shared conclusion. A free 15-minute initial consultation can help you ask questions, describe what is happening, and consider whether online counselling in Ontario is an appropriate next step.

    Wellness in Therapy offers virtual counselling and psychotherapy services for couples throughout Ontario by secure video or phone. You can learn more about our counselling services, team, and other mental health resources before reaching out.

    Support does not require you to decide the entire future of your relationship today. It can begin with a conversation about what both of you need and what you would like to understand more clearly.

    Talk with a therapist

    Wellness in Therapy offers online sessions across Ontario by secure video or phone, with in-person appointments at our Burlington office for couples in Burlington, Oakville, Hamilton, Milton and Mississauga.

    You can read more about our couples counselling service. If you would like to talk about your situation, you can book a free 15-minute consultation or call (647) 327-6017.

    For practical communication tips you can try at home, read 7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them).

    Therapists you can reach out to

    Luna Fejza, RN, psychotherapist at Wellness in Therapy Luna Fejza RN, Psychotherapist & Counsellor Children, teens, adults, couples and families. Anxiety, trauma, separation and family reunification. View profile → Mary Latoye, RN, psychotherapist at Wellness in Therapy Mary Latoye RN, Psychotherapist Faith-based therapy for adults 18+. Stress, coping, spiritual questions and personal values. View profile →

    Meet the full team →

    Safety disclaimer

    This article provides general information only. It is not a diagnosis, an assessment, or a substitute for individual care. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency department. If you are in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 9-8-8, available 24/7 across Canada. Booking requests and messages to our office are not emergency services. You do not need to manage an emergency on your own.

  • 7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them)

    7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them)

    A couple sitting together at home for an online counselling session

    When communication becomes difficult, even small conversations can feel exhausting. A question about dinner may turn into an argument about responsibility. A request for support may sound like criticism. One partner may push for answers while the other shuts down.

    These patterns do not necessarily mean that your relationship is beyond repair. Often, couples become caught in a cycle that is difficult to see from the inside. With support, it can become possible to understand the cycle, slow it down, and practise different ways of responding.

    Couples therapy often focuses on constructive communication, problem-solving, and emotional responsiveness, because these are central to a healthy relationship. However, communication tools work best when they are practised with care and adapted to the needs of both partners.

    Here are seven common communication mistakes couples make, along with practical ways to begin changing them.

    1. Criticizing your partner’s character

    Criticism focuses on who your partner is rather than on a specific concern.

    Examples include:

    • “You’re so selfish.”
    • “You never care about anyone but yourself.”
    • “You’re impossible to talk to.”

    When conversations begin with character judgments, the other person may feel attacked. They may become defensive instead of staying open to the concern underneath your words.

    Try this instead

    Use a gentle opening that describes the situation, your feelings, and what you need.

    Instead of:

    “You never listen to me.”

    Try:

    “I feel ignored when I’m talking and the television stays on. Could we turn it off for a few minutes so I can share what’s on my mind?”

    This approach does not guarantee that your partner will respond perfectly. It simply gives the conversation a better starting point. Focus on one behaviour or situation rather than bringing in every past disappointment.

    2. Using sarcasm, contempt, or disrespect

    Sarcasm and eye-rolling can sometimes seem like small reactions. Over time, though, they can create emotional distance and make difficult conversations feel unsafe.

    Contempt may appear as:

    • Mocking your partner’s concerns
    • Name-calling
    • Speaking with superiority
    • Laughing at a vulnerable moment
    • Using phrases such as “Obviously” or “Whatever”

    These responses often communicate, “Your feelings are not worth taking seriously.” That message can be painful, even when it is delivered indirectly.

    Try this instead

    Build small moments of respect and appreciation into everyday life.

    You might say:

    • “Thank you for handling bedtime tonight.”
    • “I noticed you checked in with me after work. That meant a lot.”
    • “I know this conversation is hard, and I appreciate you staying with it.”

    Appreciation is not about pretending that problems do not exist. It helps create a more balanced emotional environment where concerns can be discussed without every interaction feeling negative.

    A couple speaking with a counsellor about communication in their relationship

    3. Becoming defensive

    Defensiveness often appears when one partner raises a concern and the other immediately explains, denies, or counterattacks.

    For example:

    “I only forgot because you gave me too much to do.”

    Or:

    “You do the same thing, so you can’t complain.”

    It is understandable to want to protect yourself when you feel blamed. However, defensiveness can quickly turn a conversation into a competition over who is more justified.

    Try this instead

    Look for the part of your partner’s experience that you can acknowledge.

    You might say:

    “You’re right that I’ve been on my phone a lot this week. I can understand why that made you feel ignored.”

    Acknowledging an impact does not mean agreeing with every detail. You can recognize how your actions affected your partner while still sharing your own perspective.

    A useful sequence is:

    1. Listen to the concern.
    2. Reflect back what you heard.
    3. Acknowledge any part that makes sense.
    4. Explain your perspective without dismissing theirs.

    This creates room for both partners to be heard.

    4. Shutting down or withdrawing

    Some people respond to conflict by becoming quiet, leaving the room, changing the subject, or emotionally checking out. This may be a way to manage feeling overwhelmed.

    However, when one partner pursues a conversation and the other withdraws, both people can feel increasingly alone. One may feel abandoned. The other may feel pressured and unable to breathe.

    This pattern is sometimes called a demand-withdraw cycle. Several of these patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal) come from Dr. John Gottman’s research on couples, where they are known as the “Four Horsemen”.

    Try this instead

    Take a structured pause rather than disappearing from the conversation.

    You could say:

    “I’m becoming overwhelmed, and I don’t want to say something hurtful. Can we pause for 30 minutes and return to this at 7:30?”

    A helpful pause includes:

    • A clear reason for taking a break
    • An agreed time to return
    • An effort to calm your body rather than rehearse arguments
    • A commitment to continue the conversation

    If you ask for a pause, returning when you said you would matters. It helps your partner experience the break as a form of care rather than rejection.

    A couple sitting close together on a sofa, talking and smiling

    5. Avoiding difficult conversations altogether

    Not every disagreement needs to become a long discussion. Still, avoiding every uncomfortable topic can allow resentment to grow quietly.

    Avoidance may look like:

    • Changing the subject whenever money is mentioned
    • Saying “It’s fine” when it isn’t
    • Keeping conversations limited to schedules and chores
    • Hoping your partner will notice what you need without being told

    Silence can feel peaceful in the short term. Over time, unspoken concerns may make emotional connection more difficult.

    Try this instead

    Set aside a regular, short check-in when neither partner is already upset.

    You might each share:

    • One thing you appreciated during the week
    • One concern that needs attention
    • One practical agreement to try

    Keep the conversation focused. The goal is not to solve your entire relationship in one evening. It is to make honest communication more routine and manageable.

    6. Turning communication tools into weapons

    Communication strategies such as “I” statements, active listening, and reflection can be helpful. They can also become unhelpful when used to prove that your partner is communicating incorrectly.

    Examples include:

    • Interrupting to correct your partner’s wording
    • Saying, “That isn’t a real I-statement”
    • Repeating your partner’s words in a sarcastic tone
    • Treating the conversation like a courtroom
    • Focusing more on the rules than on the person speaking

    These tools are meant to support understanding, not to help one person win.

    Try this instead

    Practise communication skills when you are both relatively calm. Start with a low-stakes topic, such as planning the weekend.

    The listener’s role is to:

    • Listen without preparing a rebuttal
    • Reflect the main point
    • Name the emotion they heard
    • Ask whether they understood correctly

    Problem-solving can come after both partners feel heard. Understanding does not require agreement, but it does require genuine attention.

    7. Assuming communication tips will solve every deeper issue

    Sometimes couples try several communication exercises and still find themselves repeating the same painful cycle. This does not necessarily mean that either partner has failed.

    Communication patterns can be connected to deeper concerns, including:

    • Unresolved hurt or betrayal
    • Attachment needs
    • Stress, anxiety, or depression
    • Family-of-origin experiences
    • Different expectations about closeness and independence
    • Trauma or past relationship experiences

    In these situations, learning a few phrases may not be enough. The couple may need support to understand what happens emotionally beneath the argument.

    Couples counselling can help partners identify their recurring cycle, explore the needs underneath it, and practise new ways of responding with guidance. A therapist can also help make communication exercises more suitable for your particular circumstances.

    When should you consider marriage counselling online?

    You do not need to wait until your relationship reaches a crisis before seeking support. Online marriage counselling may be worth considering if:

    • The same arguments happen repeatedly
    • You struggle to discuss important topics without escalating
    • One or both partners feel unheard
    • You are living more like roommates than partners
    • Trust has been affected by a difficult event
    • You want support during separation, reunification, or a major life transition
    • You have tried to improve communication but keep returning to the same cycle

    At Wellness in Therapy, we provide online couples counselling through secure video or phone sessions. Appointments are 50 minutes long, and couples can begin with a free 15-minute phone consultation to ask questions and see whether our approach feels suitable.

    Our therapists are registered with the relevant Ontario regulatory colleges, including the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario, the College of Nurses of Ontario, or the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers. Sessions may be covered by many extended health plans, depending on your specific coverage. You can learn more about our professional standards and therapeutic approach.

    A couple talking together calmly at home

    A supportive next step

    Better communication is not about finding perfect words or avoiding every disagreement. It is about creating more opportunities to be honest, respectful, and emotionally present with one another.

    You do not have to arrive at counselling with everything figured out. You can begin with uncertainty, frustration, or simply the feeling that you want something to change. We can meet you where you are and walk beside you as you work toward greater understanding and connection.

    You can also read about our couples counselling service in Burlington and online, including for couples in Oakville, Mississauga, Hamilton and Milton.

    If you would like to learn more, you can book a session or request a free 15-minute consultation. If there is fear, coercion, threats, or physical intimidation in the relationship, prioritize immediate safety and speak with a qualified professional about whether joint counselling is appropriate.

    Therapists you can reach out to

    Luna Fejza, RN, psychotherapist at Wellness in Therapy Luna Fejza RN, Psychotherapist & Counsellor Children, teens, adults, couples and families. Anxiety, trauma, separation and family reunification. View profile → Mary Latoye, RN, psychotherapist at Wellness in Therapy Mary Latoye RN, Psychotherapist Faith-based therapy for adults 18+. Stress, coping, spiritual questions and personal values. View profile →

    Meet the full team →

    Safety disclaimer

    This article provides general information only. It is not a diagnosis, an assessment, or a substitute for individual care. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency department. If you are in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 9-8-8, available 24/7 across Canada. Booking requests and messages to our office are not emergency services. You do not need to manage an emergency on your own.